This is not a section most people happen to read. So if you are here, you have found someone special - one who loves you and cares for you. Now its time to try for a make up. In this situation it would be better you ask the question WHY? to yourself. It may be time for a self-discovery.
The greatest mistake is not MAKING A MISTAKE, but refraining from correcting it
Analyze yourself. It may be your concept, your principle, your behaviour, anything that ruined the relationship. Just take a break, and think the whole route through which your relationship has come. Discover where all he/she attempted desperately to make things work when you simply sat idle. Discover the situations when you took your ex for granted - just like another furniture or vegetable. If you really want your love back, you might have to make a few corrections to yourself too.
Realizing where all you went wrong:
It may be your lack of adjustment:
"Love is not putting in 50% from one side and the exact 50% from the other. Its just putting in 100% effort from both sides. But keep in mind - BOTH SIDES"
Im stressing on adjusting more than anything because that was the biggest mistake I made during my first love. I was a verrry stubborn guy who in fact was proud of it. When we are stubborn we never realize how much trouble and pain it causes to those around us. By the time we realize things, time would have already flown too much.
Identify the person as a human with his/her likes & dislikes. The simplest solution is to imagine yourself in your ex's shoes. And think of your ex girlfriend/boyfriend being tooo stubborn. How terrible you would feel? The biggest problem is that when we are being stubborn, we get soo blind that we even fail to realize that we are stubborn. No relationship on this planet is complete, perfect or even close. The factor that still makes relationships fruitful is adjustment.
It may be simply your ego & power play
Power play is when one person starts handling the situation, virtually leaving the other powerless. It can be either through physical domination, mental or emotional pressures. But when power play comes into relationships, there starts grumbling and discontent. Realizing your partners weakness, when you start tuning the relationship and its direction according to your likes / dislikes then we can say that you are using power play.
The remedy to this too is nothing but seeing the situation from the other persons perspective. You can understand how suffocated you would feel if your partner starts tuning things in his/her favor. A relationship is not a war. No situation can be controlled through power effectively and permanently. Temporary results may be obtained if you use power. But it wont last. I have read somewhere that Only world nations and children adopt power to control situations. Wise people never do that
It may be your attitude
No body is born with principles and concepts. They are acquired, cultivated and developed. Your principles may be valuable for you but not necessarily for others. Nazis had their racialist principles. Saddam Hussein had his despotic principles. Even Bin-Laden would have his own set of terrorist concepts. How many of these can we accept and admire? Very few. Why? Its just because we have a different set of principles and concepts. Admitting this fact is the key to the success of a relationship. No two people are made out of the same mould by god. No two are identical. So why are we being so stubborn that others should live by our principles and concepts?
Adjustment is the key. But it has a limit of course. For example if one person believes in spending his/her life for charity and the other is out there to conquer the whole rich and fame in the world, the partnership can never reach common grounds. Think which all areas you can adjust to reach a common ground. Maximize your adjustment now if your partner has already made his/her share of adjustment.
Remember one thing. Your principles at this moment may turn out to be things that you will laugh at when you look back sometime in the future. Never ruin relationships simply for blindly beholding your principles and concepts. Put them into a re-examination. Weigh them and conclude what is important and what is not.
It may be your behaviour
Do unto others what you would have them do unto you - Holy Bible. Following this commandment will make your life virtually trouble-free. Many people when they are in a relationship behave like tyrants once they get angry - so was I. Rarely do we realize how much trouble it causes to the person who virtually become our punching bags. Recollect how many times you did the same to your ex girlfriend/ boyfriend. If your display of anger was in public, consider the impact as ten-folds. Nobody can be like Jesus Christ, I admit. But controlling your temper is of course possible. If you keep on throwing your anger and behave like a tyrant, the love your lover has for you, turns into a kind of fear gradually. What would eventually happen? He/She would run away from you. The equation is as simple as that.
In addition to anger, so many other behavior problems can bring a relationship to the verge of a break up. Demanding too much love and attention is one of them. Your lover should not be loving you based on your demand. If it happens, the love gradually loses its sweetness. Let your lover love you whole heartedly without any pressures. Keep away from his/her space and freedom. People having possessiveness problem usually would have a background of lacking love and care. If you are one of them, remember that your love is not the only thing that keeps your lover alive. Before you came into your lovers life, he/she had relationships which he/she needs to keep alive and warm always. In addition to your love and care, they might need the love from their family and friends. You cant feed your puppy 24X7 with milk just because milk is rich in calcium. Always keep things balanced - the love you give and the love you receive.
If you try hard with sincerity and determination, you can definitely eliminate a majority of these problems and become a better person. Give your self ample time during the process.
If your problem is concerning anger, you can practice meditation or yoga. Work outs can also help you control your temper. Also seek your family's support and cooperation. Possessiveness is something that takes time to eliminate or reduce. First thing that truly helps is to seek other sources of love and attention - from family, friends etc. Get a bit distant from your partner (if you are not already) and live a life yourself. Learn to be happy even when you are alone. Have your own circle of friends. Flirting wont harm either. Spend lot of time with family. When you start receiving love from others and learn to be happy even when you are alone, you wont demand too much love from your partner. When the demand and suffocation is gone, the love you receive will be more natural and will be less straining to the giver.
It may be truly because you are running on parallel tracks
It is pretty difficult to live a married life without having a common ground between the partners. This parallel track problem arises when love starts from the physical aspects rather than true mutual understanding. To live together happily, physical attraction is required, of course, but in addition to that, there needs to be a mutual admiration, respect and sound and clear communication. If all you love in your partner is how he/she looks, double-check your love. Have you mistaken love for lust? Give it a very serious thought. If you share no common interests, and spending time with him/her doesn't mean the world to you, the relationship doesn't seem to hold any future.
In order to find how compatible you are, all you would need to do is recollect how wonderful you felt when you were with the person. If the joy you have outweighs the quarrels you make by a significant margin, you don't have to perform a dissection on the relationship to find out if it is compatible or not. Some people perform post-mortem on a broken relationship with such a vigour and fury that they finds each and every faults in it, surpassing even an opposition lawyer and makes the final judgment sheet of incompatibility. Such people believe in perfection in just about anything. Even if they makeup after a break up, greater chances are they would bring any relation back into a divorce.
If your heart says, you two can make it work, trust that. Let you be guided by your heart in the matters of love. If you strongly feel that the adjustment needs to be from your partners side, dont hesitate to ask for that. If you are having serious compatibility problems even after both of you having tried to adjust, then it may be time to realize that a breakup is unavoidable.
Original article can be read at:
http://www.sajuonline.com/Pages/Articles/relationship/Break-up-advice/break-up-recovery-advice-page1.htm
More relationship advice and comprehensive articles can be read from: http://www.sajuonline.com
(The website also provides comprehensive articles on Technology, Spirituality and Relationships and step-by-step tutorials on 3d modeling and animation using 3DS Max, Maya etc and much much more)
3d max